Feeding Anorexia (Alexandrian poem)

24 Oct

Your body is skeletal; pathetic and frail.

The mind has distorted your figure to a whale!

With lies and illusions you evade food with stealth,

But skin, bones, and agony do not define health.

If you only eat morsels you’ll wither away,

Food’s not for pleasure- its for avoiding decay.

Stuck in a battle of self-hate and attrition,

The last thing you think of is proper nutrition.

Our bodies can’t fight, they can’t glow, can’t survive

Without protein and vitamins: what makes us thrive.

Mirrors and scale will chain you up and hold you down,

So just throw them away and keep good friends around.

Beauty can’t be quantified; the numbers are wrong,

Calories and pounds have deceived you all along.

What’s more is your dress size won’t matter when you’re dead,

Just evict that great monster: she lives in your head.


Those Days, not Wikihow

10 Jul

There are days when we feel insignificant. When we feel unneeded, unwanted, maybe even unloved. This is only human, but we can’t help but have those days. Sometimes we may envy the people who seem happy all of the time. Who seem oblivious to the endless problems and stresses of the world, and we are confused by the way they brush things off and deal with issues easily.

These feelings come and go, and a lot of times you might laugh at the things you cried about before. Little things triggered bigger problems and made your emotions go haywire. In the big picture, these are only small bumps in the road of life, but zoomed in, these pesky pot-holes on your daily commute can make for a serious drag.

Unfortunately, I do not have the answers to these daily blues. We can’t buy will power, courage, bravery, perseverance, and optimism.

“Why can’t you? You can get anything on craigslist!” you might say.

But neigh my good sir, you do not need to buy or steal any of the aforementioned traits!

“Why?” you’ll ask.

Because, you already have them. Each and everyone is inside of you. They may be blocked by a serious wall of guilt, sadness, stubbornness, depression, anger, and other incredibly heart-sickening feelings. Those things are what bind you from finding that carefree attitude, that weight-off-your-shoulders soaring feeling.

I have only straightened this lifelong struggle out to this point, that you CAN pull the power out to make yourself happy, you CAN break that wall at least for a little while, how you manage to do so varies upon you yourself. Sadly, I can’t give you a step-by-step guide on how to bust down the wall of shame and pain, this is Torihoo, not Wikihow. You are a unique and wonderfully diverse person who loves to do lots of things, and I can’t write thousands of possibilities on what you, yourself, whoever you may be, can do to solve this.

A lot of times we block the wall out of our systems for awhile, since we can’t make it go away. How do we do that? Music, movies, friends, work, anything occupying. Its a great solution. The only flaw in that plan is this: what happens in the time when you’re not doing and going and blocking? You crash. A lot of times this is at night or when you’re alone, at a time when you don’t have any distraction and are pretty much forced to think.

Thinking, thinking about your day. Maybe a little something went wrong, you think about that and suddenly it spirals out into a crazy and possibly irrational meltdown, or at least a bad mood. You must be able to relate to part of that, and whether you realize it in your conscious or not, that is what you do. Block, think, crash, rebuild, repeat.

Oh yes, my small human brain almost forgot the last step to all of this! Rebuild. You’ve crashed and burned and bumped and cried. You might tell someone, you might not. Rebuild. This process is similar to the getting-through-the-wall portion. It varies. You have to mix blocking and thinking, combine two forces that oppose. Listen to your music, relax or clean or take a walk, but also think about what you can do to solve those issues. Plan, plan it all out. Maybe you won’t fulfill a single plan you create, but if it makes you feel better and rebuilds your “heart,” then there couldn’t possibly be any harm in that.

Are you confused? Wondering what I’m talking about? Thinking I should end the post and buy some medication? Reread.

I reread it and am ready to continue.

Like many other highly complex cycles in life, this one will surely repeat and change and grow. It might branch off and one day you might bust that wall down for a good amount of time. Chaos theory, complexities and knowing that even if its a cycle, you’ll never know which way the ball will roll. There is always that unpredictability in life, repeat. Repeat.

I’ll end on a happy note. Everyone does win in life. Whether you think the grass is greener, the air is cleaner, the life is better on the other side of the fence, or if you’re that great happy person who goes with the flow. Whether you spent ten decades or ten seconds on this planet, died broke or rich, you lived. Even if you never opened your eyes or gave a breath. You lived. That is a win. Your grace touched this earth and it DID change someone, I guarantee you it did.

Think of those you lost. Maybe they were old, new, strange, wonderful, they changed you, they made you who you are today. You’ll do that to thousands more, and that my friends, is a win. Win. Repeat.

Small Children and Wildlife

12 Jun

Note that this will probably end up as random chunks and choppy sentences due to my extreme lack of sleep.

This isn’t exactly a ZOO post… but more of a miscellaneous wildlife post. Teaching kindergartners about wildlife is a unique experience.  Conservation and rehabilitation aren’t exactly a part of their brain capacity, but they can understand nurture and nature. Little kids do love animals, and most have the kindness and energy to show love to animals. They love pets and visiting zoos, which gives us the perfect opportunity to teach them about caring for them. The enthusiasm that these young spirited children show is more incredible than almost any adult could ever show. If these kids can capture that energy, they could use it towards something that could help the community and world in the future.

Starting young and teaching them about compassion and caring towards the rest of the environment would help them achieve a better world that many adults seem to neglect. In the modern day, most adults care about money, money, and money. Planning for the future is mostly economically based and less based on the natural side of the world. Unfortunately it is up to our generation to fix this problem. Why am I telling you this? Well, I am currently sitting in a classroom watching kids’ faces light up at the sight of animal artifacts and even humane facts and wildlife preservation.

It seems that the kids have a hard time understanding that the wings and bones the Wildlife Center brought in were from a dead animal that had been taken apart for educational and scientific reasoning.

I honestly have no idea where I was going with any of this… maybe I’ll add to it later ._.

Keep in mind that this rant was written during a time in which I had not slept for over 27 hours.

A look inside my brain: Sock Sizes

28 May

Hospital Socks? one part of me says,

Have yo forgotten everything I’ve taught you?

The other part of me rolls its eyes and proceeds to the living room with the thick grey socks. Eye surgery. They gave me socks for eye surgery. The memory creeps up on me like a spider in the shower.

The first day of school:

“What you got, pinkeye?” a boy I’d never seen before asked.

“No, I had eye surgery last month,” I reply.

“EWW!!!” the girl next to him shreiks. Her hair is dyed so many colors that I can’t even take a guess as to what her natural color is. She wears so much eye makeup that black rings encircle half of her face.

My flashback ends and I return to my reality and turn my socks rightside out.

They have white plusses and squares on the bottom for traction. The size says XXL.

WHAT?! They give a twelve year old girl XXL? Unless the smallest size of sock is for embreyoos, they must have labeled my socks wrong. What size would my uncle wear? Grande-Chalupa-Infinity-x-squared-with a cherry on top?

I smirk. What a dumb thing. Unrealistic sock sizes.

This has been: a look inside Tori’s brain. We do not compensate for any collateral brain damage caused by reading the above. Thank you.

Road trip: my family is different

28 May

An eleven year old cousin (Trevor), a thirteen year old crazy person (me), and a mother trying to get them across the country (my mom). You call it Christmas vacation, I call it insane.

Denver International Airport parking lot: “Now you two be perfect little angels. On the way to Nan’s you don’t make a peep. The streets will be dark, wet, and unknown and your mother will be raw,” my uncle says threateningly. We roll our eyes and lug our baggage out of the car before the sassy parking cop barks at us to move it along.

Well, here we go! The adventure begins here. This would be Trevor’s first commercial airline flight, considering he’d taken a private jet to San Diego and back just for fun. About 500 angry businessmen and frantic families later, we’ve successfully arranged our tickets and seats on the digital Kiosk and are ready for the daunting security check.

Wow Tori, you chose today for 6 bracelets, a hat, tie shoes, two jackets and a tangled backpack? Well done. 

I hate that panicking moment you get when you’re trying to shove all of your items into those boxes while the security stares you down and shoves them onto the conveyor belt like this is some ninja relay race. Then I awkwardly pull Trevor with my through the body scan while they lecture my mother about her laptop and the Diet Mountain Dew can that is a “strict security obligation to be disposed immediately.”

Rushing like a stampede of wildebeest and then calmly replacing all of your garments afterwards is the most frustrating thing to me. I quickly gather everything and then have to wait what seems like an eternity for Trevor and my mom to be ready. One suitcase and one carry-on each, plus the Santa hats Trevor and I wore seem to be quite the load in a busy place… and now we have to carry food, too.

Why my mom decided to take the Panda Express food to the terminal instead of sitting at the food court like everyone else is beyond me… (that or I’ve forgotten considering I forgot about this post until 5 months after starting it). After eating we loaded the plane, the very first row, too. Sitting down, we both wondered if this meant we were in first class. Nope.

I will give credit to Frontier, however. Fresh cookies, tv, and not the worst flight attendants I’ve encountered. It was a pretty uneventful flight, all I can remember is the Civil War… wait… what? Oh that’s right, I was reading Killing Lincoln by Bill O’Reilley. ANNNYYWAYYYSSSS… We landed in St. Louis Missouri where we would proceed to rent a car and drive about 4 hours to my grandmas house. My uncles words echoed in my head “be perfect little angels… not a peep… your mother is raw…” We’ll just see how that all works out. I think to myself.

The car was pretty nice. For one thing, it had a better bass and stereo than our car at home, which is all that really matters anyways. With my mom driving, who knows where we would end up? Lucky for us, the iPhone navigator (whom we named Cassandra and my mom frequently called Claudia for an unknown reason) was beeping and blabbering nonsense. We stopped to get candy and soda at a Missouri grocery store… how awesome is my mom?!

This in itself was an adventure. With sleep deprivation, jet lag, caffeine high and excitement, this normal store was like a carnival. Bubba burgers, Ugly corndogs, and bananas hanging from the ceiling were about the most hysterical thing we’d ever encountered in our lives. Trust me, I have videos of this all.

Back on the road, all three of us ended up talking in Indian accents. “Do not get your underpants in a twist” I said in a perfect Indian accent. We all busted out laughing and turned up the radio. All three of us bounced in our seats and yelled in different cultural twists as Cassandra blared in her monotonic voice. “Perfect little angels.” What a joke. I mean, my own mother was in on the Indian antics. At some point we calmed down and entered Illinois. Things started looking familiar. The bridge, the more tropical-like trees, even the way  the road in Marblehead bumped along. Home.

We’d be staying at our great-aunts house while she was in California for the winter. This, I will admit, is better than a hotel. An entire house with cable and wifi to ourselves. What more could we ask for?

Of course, there is always a flaw in the plan. We’d each tried the key about 60 times. It was midnight at a 100 year old house, and teenagers yelled a few streets down. Reeealll classy. Well, we didn’t want to re-load the car with all of our stuff, so I took Trevor around back and we hid our suitcases on the deck, hoping those teenagers we’d seen earlier wouldn’t find them. We drove back to my grandmas house to find the right key, and a hustle and bustle later, we were in.


On the way back… there was a dead moth between the two glass panels on my window. I named it Moth-er. How does that even happen? Comment your idea.

Is all of that hustle and bustle worth it? That is up to you. To me, Indian accents, making snow-angels in the aisles at out-of-state stores, running around the airport like its a corn maze and the security guards are chainsaw beasts, eating cookies 5 miles above the ground, and stealthily hiding our luggage in the bushes is the best part of vacation. At least my mom didn’t forget our train tickets at 5:00 am like last time. Only in my family.


PS: Just to be safe, this post does not necessarily reflect the views of such people and companies named (:

The rant of the day 6: Language Barriers

28 May

Its a one of a kind experience, getting to know someone who doesn’t know a word of your language… and same for you on the other side! Communicating is pretty limited, even with a translator, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be friends.

Meeting a girl who just moved to America from China is pretty interesting… especially when you’re supposed to be teaching her math. How is she supposed to know what our numbers are?

My friend Autumn and I worked with her every other day, trying our best to help her understand us, and complete the seemingly impossible task of making her do math.

After using iPod translators, we realized she was pretty defiant about listening to us. We were two random students… why should we be teaching her? Where did our authority come from?

First of all, we couldn’t even start to teach her math without teaching her at least some English… but how was this even possible with a few addition flashcards?

Sometimes she’d run off down a hallway and talk quite loudly… but chasing after her seemed to only make her more crazy. “Go home.” “Go home,” she would say this repeatedly, as though asking whether she could leave.

You never think of how hard it would be to communicate with someone who doesn’t understand anything you’re saying… but imagine entering a country where most of the population speaks another language! Signs, menus, labels, words, everything is illegible. Sometimes common sense isn’t enough to get you where you need to be, so what do you do? Even if you knew a few vital phrases, how could you decipher the infinite answers someone could give you?

Our new Chinese friend must have been taking English lessons this whole time because we saw that she was getting progressively better at speaking English, and was also getting better at procrastinating with math. She soon moved onto multiplication and division, and I’ll bet you in a few years she’ll pass Autumn and I.

50 things you shouldn’t do in front/with of your parents

28 May

1. Never eat with your face in front of your parents.

2. Never watch movies with inappropriate scenes in front of your parents.

3. Never act like a gangster in front of your parents.

4. Never Dougie in front of your parents.

5. Never misuse power equipment in front of your parents.

6. Never play with fire in front of your parents.

7. Never tell ‘yo mamma’ jokes in front of your parents.

8. Never shop with of your parents.

9. Never argue about your punishment with your parents. It only makes it worse.

10. Never slack off in front of your parents.

11. Never laugh while texting in front of your parents. You know they’re going to ask O.o

12. Never talk on the phone in front of your parents.

13. Never speed when driving in front of your parents.

14. Never drink out of the milk carton in front of your parents.

15. Never bully your  younger sibling in front of your parents.

16. Never watch cop shows in front of your parents.

17.  Never listen to pop songs in front of your parents. Have you ever seen their lyrics?!

18. Never dance in front of your parents.

19. Never go out in public with your parents.

20. Never watch rated R movies with your parents.

21. Never ask your parents for medication.

22. Never go to the doctors with your parents.

23. Never go to parties with your parents.

24. Never surf the web with your parents.

25. Never leave the country with your parents.

26. Never let your parents volunteer to help out at school.

27. Never bad mouth your parents when friends are over.

28. Never ask your parents for more money.

29. Never check your grades with your parents.

30. Never ask about the 60’s

31. Never ask about the 70’s

32. Never ask about the 80’s

33.  Never ask about when your parents were kids.

34. Never stay in the room when you hear “You know, when I was in high school…”

35. Never stay in the house when you hear “I think its time we talked about getting older”

36. Never talk to your parents if they’re drunk.

37.  Never watch Dr. Phil with your parents.

38. Never use sarcasm in front of your parents.

39. Never talk about illegal activities in front of your parents.

40. Never pretend to be smart in front of your parents.

41. Never pretend to be a wildebeest in front of your parents.

42. Never pretend to be dumb in front of your parents.

43. Never kick the dog in front of your parents.

44. Never cuss wildly in front of your parents.

45. Never pretend to choke in front of your parents.

46. Never be naked in front of your parents.

47. Never rap in front of your parents

48. Never plot crimes with your parents

49. Never end up in Vegas with your parents

50. Never visit my website with your parents… but do visit it 😀